I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.