[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
yeet
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”