Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
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“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
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To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do