One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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Imagine having a party on purpose.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.