WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
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My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere