Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do