Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
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If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave