*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Spider-cat: No One Home
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Weighing up my bread heating options