People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
You Might Also Like
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
“Sheer Arrogance”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office