I needed a laugh this morning.
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
😆this is so true
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.