my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga