Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
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social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible