[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
What an awful time to have common sense.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
This will never not be funny 😭
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes