The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.