i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
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I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”