I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
You Might Also Like
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.