One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Strange