ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
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[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Meme Monday.
how long have you had this for?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ