I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)