her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
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Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The government even made aliens boring
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
man: wait
time: no
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.