My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
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Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.