It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Strange
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.