dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
#growingpains
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon