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“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.