I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
what the
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.