Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
the #horror is real!
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.