Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
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If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.