Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
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Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
mom gave me mine for free
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.