[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
You Might Also Like
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
What the dentist sees
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.