Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
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What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No