Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
good work, everybody
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.