How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
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A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.