Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
You Might Also Like
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave