I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like