One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
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“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
@funTweeters
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
This will teach them to underestimate me