[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
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Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.