Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.