There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”