A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.