*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4