Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.