Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.