[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
How all things should be taught/explained.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.