When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Thursday
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.