When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
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I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
A fake ID that makes you younger
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages