(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito