My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
HOW DARE YOU
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
fired
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.