The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
You Might Also Like
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Meanwhile in Canada…
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished