I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I am HOWLING at this
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*