Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Just this preview of the story is enough
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.